FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
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I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
*Seductively hides in the woods
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone