Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
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Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
i prefer mine room temperature.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that