“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
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You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Some people were born into their job.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you