Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
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The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
channeling her this year
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*