It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
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[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
this is what they would have looked like, though
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up