Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
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on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes