Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
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The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”