Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
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I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on