[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
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Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
Britain be like
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Happy weekend !
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
<- sleeps well with others
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.