I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
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“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
This probably isn’t good
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
be careful
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”