Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
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Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.