Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
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Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
decorating my apartment
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!