I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
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Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I hate my earbuds.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.