‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
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Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Genius idea!!
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.