9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
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My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Love this one 😂🧟
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.