me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
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I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…