I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
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At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct