everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
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WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Double negatives are never not confusing.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.