Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
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[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁