[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
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Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
inside you are two wolves
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question