I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
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Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped