[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
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Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
dutch is not a serious language
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so