Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
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subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
blocked.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Still my favourite meme.