[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
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Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Uh oh…
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!