My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
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The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background