Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
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Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.