I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
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ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
What even happened today?
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
“OMGJK” -atheists
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator