Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
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Oh my god
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!