Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
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I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs