Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
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“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
This made me smile…
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary