Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
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[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜