Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂