Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
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“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Cardio Made Easy
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good