her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
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the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.