Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
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Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.