Stop sending me this shit.
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JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
August 8
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur