I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
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I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
cat vs inanimate object
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
we’re gonna need another temp
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.