It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
You Might Also Like
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.