Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
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Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Batman v Dracula
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy