Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.馃檮
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*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
I鈥檓 a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I鈥檓 hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No鈥iscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That鈥檚 good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
everyone has that one prude friend
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack