Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
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A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Golf would be better with landmines.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad