me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
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Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
no refunds
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
#ParentingFacts
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.