This is Sparta
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if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
He’s dead
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”