I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. đ
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Me checking my bank balance online.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Wife: Iâm home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while Iâm at work
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, letâs pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
professor x: whatâs your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: thatâs stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
You can say âHoly shitâ in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I donât suggest you point.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: Itâs not the dress, itâs the woman wearing it.
Me: đ
16: So youâre pretty much screwed, I donât know what to tell you.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
professor x: whatâs your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: whatâs your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they canât stop until I sing
If Iâm struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later Iâll meet someone who hasnât heard my old jokes.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.