“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
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It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.