Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
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I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
“How’s your day going?”
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB