Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
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It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
[montage of me giving-up]
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
notice
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
I did not eat the cake…
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.