*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
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Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?