It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
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Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.