You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
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[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU